Life as it is...

2010-07-01T20:43:00.000-07:00

So I have the flu. I took medicine last night and I woke up way too early this morning before my body could finish curing itself so I still feel like crap.

I really wanted to go back to sleep because i had about 2-3 more hours before i really needed to be up.

But, I couldn't go back to bed because if I do I will sleep the rest of the day. Beds are meant for sleep not naps.

I can't sleep on the sofa cos its too warm and I have to have the tv on if I am on the sofa cos ever since we decided not to have any more fishes its been too quiet, but if i have the tv on, then i don't really sleep and watch tv instead which defeats the purpose.

So, i decided to sleep on the floor in my bedroom with my laptop playing songs from Grooveshark. It didn't work cos the floor is too cold and my body was aching all over in a matter of minutes.

So, I opened my cupboard and pulled all my clothes to the floor, made a fort, and went to sleep.

Problem Solved.

2010-04-19T09:03:00.000-07:00

I should probably write something about Arsenal considering our tragic weekend.

But I can't. Cos' I seriously have nothing to say.. Nothing can fix what has been done. It was an utter disgrace, a bloody marvellous display from Wigan and nothing but crap from our boys.

Arsenal truly fucked up.

I just hope we drop who we need to drop and at least try to maintain our third position.

The only thing that cheered me up was reading some really good HP fanfiction today :)

2010-04-12T05:40:00.000-07:00

Just watched Gurushethram - 24 hours of anger. Its a special movie because its the first ever Tamil full length big screen feature film.

I was actually quite impressed, i kinda expected a normal tamil gang story but was quite impressed at the total 3d development of the characters and the progression of the plot. The twists and turns were definitly intriguing and i was quite taken in by the storyline.

The acting was amazingly excellent, and it reminded me again that we do have absolutely fabulous actors in the tamil tv industry here. Much much much much MUCH better than the english ones i believe. And from an industry which churns waaay better shows than their other counterparts on a regular basis, i was expecting nothing less than perfection from them, and i was not dissappointed at all..

The only thing i am worried about, for the sake of local actors here, is that i think certain actors have been typecast into certain roles. For example, Mathialagan is a strict officer (always has something to do with authority, they could have added a bit of humanity using his relationship with xxx [no spoilers] but i felt his character in Mudichu had more depth sadly) and Siva is always a gangster although they did try and develop him a bit further this time. I am still a fan of his though so I love him for his 'jack' characters. There was also another boy (can't remember his name but he was in guruparvai the third season as the boy who worked for siva), his character was pretty similar.

Although that maybe because I am such a huge Vasantham drama buff. Crap, I am addicted:))

Overall though, I think it was an excellent movie and i am truly looking forward to more movies coming out soon.

Rating: Absolutely Loved it:)

2010-04-07T00:27:00.000-07:00

So, last night Barcelona beat Arsenal 4-1 to progress in the Champions League.

It's like the article on the homepage of Arsenal Singapore:

"Arsenal were beaten tonight and beaten well.

But it is never a disgrace to beaten by the best. "

And Barcelona is one of the best. Plus all 4 goals against us were scored by Messi, the Player of the year. The goals were beautiful impressive strikes although I may blame 1 or 2 of them on Silvestre's lack of skills. How many teams can actually beat them?

It honestly is nothing to be ashamed of. We tried our best, and looking at the injury list we were lacking some vital playmakers. Its not that I don't care, I just am satisfied.

Our dreams of Champions League may be over for this season but looking back at our previous humilating defeat at the hands of arch rivals Man U, I think we are more of a team this season.

We still have the BPL and there is a chance for us to win and we are confirmed in the top 3 and improvement from last year's struggle to make 4th place.

If that doesn't make my fellow Gooners feel better, at least our season wasn't destroyed early on like Liverpool's ;)

Keep the Faith! (for the BPL, or the next season)

2010-04-05T19:31:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that I don't particularly agree with the title or the subheading of my blog.

Fine, I shan't be so mean then.

Everybody can be a queen.

But there is only one divine queen.

And that's me.

2010-04-05T06:34:00.000-07:00

I'm on Tumblr now.

Trying it out and we'll see how it goes.

http://seekingsomethingsuitable.tumblr.com

2010-04-03T05:43:00.000-07:00

I just checked my BMI and I am high risk fatso, almost obese.

I mean, fuck me. I always knew i was a bit on the fat side but to be very close to obesity. That actually scares me.

I need to do something. I know, I havent been feeling well lately, and i think i must have pulled something because the left side of my chest hurts a lot for the past few days and i can't really breathe. Its the area right under my left breast. My mum thinks I am PMSing and yes, i have been sore before but never an ache like this.

I am genuinely worried.

2010-04-02T07:31:00.001-07:00

Changed my blogskin.

Wanted to write something about proper about how much I love Glee but wanna go paint my nails and do some reading now..

This song made me love Kurt that much more.

"Defying Gravity"
(feat. Lea Michele, Chris Colfer)

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes... and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you won't bring me down!
bring me down!
ohh ohhh ohhhh!

2010-04-02T00:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was April Fool's Day.

Not much jokes this time. My dad attempted one via sms. Then a cheeky fellow posted some fake news on the Arsenal Singapore forum about how Wenger was gonna splurge on players. Then, Chris Jericho lied that he got jury duty and so had to miss WWE programming for 6 weeks (which everybody fell for but its a joke) and ONTD lied that they were going to merge with PerezHilton.com (quite obvious but it was a damn hilarious announcement), lastly, Kim Kardashian's twitter was hacked by Nicole (Richie?) and there were some super hilarious tweets:)

And then there was a report of how Cesc broke his leg and would be out for 6 weeks.

Wait, What?

That wasn't a joke?

Well.. Crap.

2010-03-31T20:28:00.000-07:00

I have plenty to say today.

Yesterday was significant for 2 main reasons:
a) Nijangal last episode
b) Arsenal vs Barcelona

a) Nijangal last episode

If you're Indian in Singapore and don't know what Nijangal is, please proceed to throw yourself off a building now, thank you.

I remember in the first couple of episodes, i was initially quite bored with the drama because the trailer made me think that it was gonna be a thriller of some sort and then it wasn't so i was a bit like what the hell.

But then it's so bloody addictive that i couldn't stop watching and neither could a lot of other people.

What made it so intriguing and emotional, was the commonality of the characters, they were people that you could relate to on a daily basis, plus the story was very well written and the acting was beyond fabulous. Channel 5 dramas honestly got nothing on us.

So, thank you Vasantham for airing this drama and i expect to see it win a couple of awards down the road.

xxx

b) Arsenal vs Barcelona

Well, I am so glad that we drew but am quite disappointed with the first half. We spent most of the time running after Barcelona and playing their game. They knew it and made us run more, we knew it and we were struggling to regain control. But, our defence held and i think the 2 goals were inevitable. Of course, it was a slip up in defence and alumnia but i think considering the amount of times the ball was in our penalty area, we did well holding down our fort.

I was surprised to see Nasri taking the lead in the first half for attacking and pushing the ball forward. A bit disappointing to see our other players not following, and scrambling about.

I honestly, am not sure what the problem was, i mean our possession has never been this bad before, and i can count the number of shots we took on my fingers. The statistics speak for themselves, we were the home side, i don't understand why we couldn't gain control of the match.

But, the draw was good, and its not the best but a good position to be in when we go to Camp Nou where we need a win to progress.

We did have a heavy price to pay though, looking at Gallas who just came back from injury and now is out for the rest of the season, Arshavin who has a minor one should be back within the next couple of weeks, and Fabregas with a suspected broken something and might be out for the rest of the season too.

I am really proud of Theo for turning things around. I wish critics wouldn't be so harsh on him, it wasn't that long ago that everyone was singing his praises. He has had a rough season but i still have faith in him, he still has a while to go in his journey.

I am very disappointed in Bendtner though, he has incredible potential but is practically disappearing before the goal, I honestly don't think he should be playing upfront and he needs some confidence. Arshavin got taken out early too, but i think he seems to have been less effectual than before. He used to be the sneaky little russian who would come out of nowhere and have a well placed pass or a really good shot at goal but lately whether he plays or not is not much of a difference considering i don't see or feel his impact anywhere. He really needs to pull his shit together. Somehow, I am more forgiving towards Bendtner than I am towards Arshavin.

I think we really need to get our head back in the game and us winning against Barca at Camp nou is a real possibility. No matter what the critics say.

Keep the Faith.

2010-03-30T15:36:00.000-07:00

EXHAUSTED

2010-03-29T18:12:00.000-07:00

"On My Own"

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him 'til morning
Without him, I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me

In the rain
The pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm lonely
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
The world is full of happiness that I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him...
But only on my own...

~Glee Cast (can't remember which episode this was)

Story of my life .

2010-03-25T09:21:00.000-07:00

"You're Beautiful" by James Blunt (edited by me)

My life is brilliant.

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with the perfect man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be like you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be like you.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an devil with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should see you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be like you.

So, there's this girl.

And she is so fucking perfect. I wish i had half her grace, a quarter of her charm, a chunk of her hair.

I'm so intimidated, its so sad.

I can try but i know i will never be like her.

2010-03-24T08:48:00.000-07:00

I have always been haunted by images.

Certain images I just can't get out of my mind, a picture speaks a thousand words after all.

I remember when I first started this blog, i was looking for a blogskin at blogskins.com. I saw this image that i haven't been able to get out of my mind.

She's a fairy, standing in the middle of a dark clearing. She's tall, skinny and pale. She has long wavy hair that falls freely, almost covering her entire back. She's wearing something like a ballerina's outfit, tight top with a flowy skirt that ends at her knee. And of course, she has fairy wings, fairly large, so white that somehow they gave me the impression that they were as cold as ice.

She's turned around, wrapped her arms around her waist. (In my mind, she's desperately trying to keep warm cos her wings keep her perpetually freezing) And her face is absolutely expressionless, like she is just waiting for something to happen, on whoever intruded on her moment to say something. She just stands there, waiting, watching.

I keep getting flashes of the image from time to time, and i thought i had saved it somewhere but i lost a lot of my files when we switched computers and i thought i lost her for sure again.

I kept looking for her though. I searched under the keyword, "fairy" on many websites and googled it countless times. Somedays, i would stop and forget, but then something would happen and I would remember.

...

I found her again today.

She's still the same but somehow entirely different. She is just how I remembered her but I didn't think she was that skinny (almost anorexic to me), and her expression wasn't one of patient waiting. She looked snobbish, condescending. Like she thought those white monstrosities on her back made her better somehow. I had to close the window. I hope to never see her again.

*sigh*

I remember everything.

I just get confused between what is real and what was from my imagination.

2010-03-22T23:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, on a whim, and desperately seeking for some inspiration and serenity (wow, paradox), I decided to look for the stories i wrote many years ago. I finally found it after an hour of searching but it was under 2 years worth of CLEO magazines and i didn't have the strength to try and pull it out. So, instead, I picked up some of my old notebooks which had some random drabbles written in them.

I used to really have a vivid imagination. I really loved immersing myself in different worlds where anything was possible and there were no limits, which even if they were, i kept changing them. (It was my imagination after all)

I liked how I could be anything...
A WWE Diva.
A Theatre Director
A Muay Thai Fighter
A Lawyer
A Club-owner
An Assasin

Kinda got me thinking that i should explore options first. I want to apply, I will apply, but there are other opportunities which I should explore too, right? No limits, even if there were, I could still change them.

It is my life, after all.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

2010-03-22T09:03:00.000-07:00

So much for updating.

Honestly, ever reach a point when you look back on your life and you think,

"WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I BECOME??"

It's really funny, up until about 4 months ago, I really liked where I was. Granted, i had my fair share of grievances but hey, that's life and plus I am Singaporean and it is a known fact that Singaporeans will die if we don't have something to complain about.

But, i had direction, i was nice, i was so fashionable and just really.. well.. satisfied.

Hmm.. Maybe its just that time of the semester,
Or maybe I am just freaking out about graduating
Or that I have 3 assignments due on Friday
Or that I haven't seen Merly in like forever
Or that Arsenal drew Barcelona.
Or that I think my resume sucks at the moment.

I kinda wish i could go back and redo this semester. I would probably study harder, do something different, be nicer. Just the other day, i was wondering why i had become such a bitch. Hmmph.

I don't know. I really feel like I need to refocus. I just need to hold on. The end is near after all.

And that's the part that scares me more than anything else.

2009-12-10T04:43:00.000-08:00

Considering the unnatural and highly distressing amount of difficulty i had in actually typing out my assignments this semester, I decided that i need more practice writing. So, i have decided to at least try to make a conscious effort to update this blog regularly.

So, last night we went out (as in me, my cousin bro and my bro)..

First we headed to the clinic which is absolutely 100% gimmick based. If you're really looking for a new experience and somewhere which is absolutely cam worthy, then that is the place for you. Cos the drinks are pricey and by themselves not very nice based on my limited alcohol experience.

Then, we went to The Pump Room. The live band was good and the dj was alright. Drinks pricey again, not very good again. We found proof that all black men cant dance and got scared off the dance floor by random middle aged folk jumping:( Scary sight..

Finally, we gave the night one last shot by heading to Zirca. Its huge and confusing and i love it. But i don't really understand why the dance floor is so small and squished when they have so much of space and well, it was overflowing capacity by the time we got there. I felt kinda old compared to all the half drunk young punks and for some weird reason really felt put off by the young (though my brothers kept insisting that they were probably my age).. Argh.. I did like Zirca though maybe would consider going back there with my friends when we actually do plan our clubbing outing.

2009-11-29T17:05:00.000-08:00

We should have won, we should have played better. The worst part is remembering how we were thrashing teams left right center & seeing how they play now is absolutely heartbreaking cos we know they are capable of more..

When are we gonna be able to sustain for an entire season? It seems like we start off so well then somewhere along the way, things change and we make more mistakes than opportunities.

That's what makes me so damn upset, not because we lost but because we should have been able to do better:(

2009-05-08T07:29:00.000-07:00

Pretty funny stuff..

1) 4 shoe in 2 days.. Boy oh boy, do i grow wild or what..

2) Yesterday, I was supposed to meet my friends in Orchard but somehow about 30 min later, i heard a very familiar announcement in the train...

"This train will be switching to the middle tracks, please hold on to the nearest..."

Wait a second, i thought this announcement was only for Jurong East, why is it on this route?

And then I looked out the window and saw IMM.

Bloody hell.

I have made the mistake of rushing into the wrong train before but to not realise it until you're at the end stop??

Anyways, I just stayed on the train, hoped nobody i knew would get on and sat innocently until I reached Orchard. Only I could be that blur. My butt felt kinda numb but i just distracted myself with some videos i dl-ed of Christian.. Only sour note was a group of loud annoying MI boys for the first part of the journey back but overall, i have to admit it was quite an adventure.

3) So excited that now more of my friends have just ended exams. Just holding on for Eunice and boy, have we got many many many things to do!

I figured that we should make use of the heat while we can before the rains start and do some outdoorsy type stuff. Like the long overdue tree top walk, hiking, sentosa, picnics at parks, beaches, nature reserves...

I honestly love the weather now. I love the heat and the sunshine and this is perfect beachy weather (still waiting to go though!).

Only problem i would say is having to decide what to wear.. For someone who gets cold easily, i have a ton of sweaters and coldwear but nothing really for this hot hot hot weather.. So i kinda hate clothes now..

Dirty Little Secret: Shhhh... Actually, this weather is making me hate clothes so much so that yesterday i stayed in my underwear :) I love walking around my house in my underwear :))

I did it far far away from the windows ;) Don't wanna end up like that Woodlands man..

2009-05-07T08:02:00.000-07:00

So i just got back from shopping in Orchard and buying 2 awesomely pretty new shoes :)

1) I am an evil bitch.

2) Far East is shoe HEAVEN :)

3) Why do the prices of wrestling mags keep going up?

4) My feet are exhausted but i really enjoyed spending the day shopping and gossiping with my friends and the fun continues tomorrow :)

5) Oh, and I just watched American Idol.

Considering how it was my first week actually sitting down and watching the 2 weeks of idol programming, i was absolutely blown away..

I have to say though, that the duets rocked a whole lot more than the solos and Renegade by Donny and Kris was unbelievably awesome. And Adam and Allison fit so well together, it is INSANE. No other words for it..

I kinda saw it coming but was a bit sad that Allison had to go.

I have to say though i love her and her hair and her last performance.. She absolutely KILLED it!

Fucking awesome show. And i may actually be the only person in Singapore who is genuinely excited to see the return of Singapore Idol :)

Oh, and did anyone else notice the Singapore flag on the plague that Daughtry received? I get really psyched by references to Singapore for some weird reason..

Like the one in Gossip Girl:

Cartizen(sp?): I was in Singapore for a little while?
Chuck: Singapore? I'm surprised you made it out..

Or something along those lines...

:)

2009-05-06T03:40:00.000-07:00

Wow, aren't we all in various states of shock, dissaray and hurt. I can't believe that a nine month old dream could be destroyed in just 10 minutes. Cos' we all know, with the first goal in the eighth minute, it changed the entire match.

It was so devastatingly heartbreaking to watch.

But my brother and I still watched the match all the way through in stunned silence. (For once, I was actually awake enough.)

But, I have to say one thing.

Watching the match last night, despite the fact that we lost the champions league spot and our undefeated streak in the emirates got broken, I am still damn proud to be a gooner.

I am in the middle of my gossip girl marathon and yesterday there was one episode where Blair's father tells her, "It's not whether or not you go to Yale that matters.. I'm more worried about the type of person you grow to be."

It is ok that we lost yesterday, it is ok that we are left with another trophyless season but the quality that i saw last night, and the fact that we didn't give up and we just kept trying. Not resorting to underhanded techniques. Showcasing our talent and beliefs for who we are, no matter what.

We are THE Arsenal.

We rule, in terms of quality and integrity and that is something that trophies and goals cannot buy. It is why i am a gooner. And I am DAMN proud to support a team that i believe in and i know they will eventually get their dues.

So, fellow gooners, today, we take a break from the world. We sleep in, sit at home and watch our favourite cartoons. We say "screw our diets" and load up on comfort food (raspberry ripple ice cream) and our favourite poisons (100plus, for me). We may even shed a few tears and look up to the heavens screaming why...

But, tomorrow we pick ourselves back up. We finish out the season as strong as possible and we look forward to the possibilities of next season.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

On a lighter note, I love love Adam Lambert. Vote for him, America!!

2009-05-02T09:24:00.000-07:00

Its amazing what women can do when they put their mind to it.

It is also amazing that for once, i was witness to see thousands of Singaporeans (just over 3K, i believe) stand up against a potential threat.

It is also amazing that Singaporeans in their frantic search for some justice, made twitter history.

Absolutely amazing.

2009-04-03T22:04:00.000-07:00

It's time for Wrestlemania Predictons!

Just a day to go and I am so super excited!!

Alright then, in no particular order:

1) Y2J vs the Legends with Flair and Rourke ringside

Now, I watched the wrestler and i thought it was a fabulous movie. Very real and very interesting. It was such an accurate portrayal of everything these guys went through just to entertain us every night. That being said, this one really is a no brainer. Despite Jericho's very very very effective heat inducing promos, the legends are going to win this with Rourke getting some action as well.

*sigh* The predictability of gimmick matches.

2)Intercontinental Championship JBL vs Rey Mysterio

uhm.. I don't really care much but i am going to go with JBL. Still am curious as to what this big surprise during wrestlemania is going to be... Hmmm..

3) 25 Diva Battle Royal

*sigh* I was really looking forward to a Maryse vs Melina type thing. I don't really care, since it probably is not gonna last that long and i betcha Santino is probably going to win it..

4) MITB

I would love to say Christian. He has been doing phenomenally on ECW so far. But, I'm guessing after the massive losing streak, it is time for MVP to shine.

5) Undertaker vs HBK

Taker. Hands down. It is going to be 17 and 0 this year.

6) World Heavyweight Champion Edge vs. John Cena vs. Big Show (Triple Threat Match)

I really want Edge to retain the title. Y'know I probably would have been interested if they didn't make it a whole love triangle thing. I am just waiting for Vickie to stand up and dump both Edge and Show to become a dominant GM just like i know she can be.

7)Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy (Extreme Rules Match)

Wow. I am amazed that this feud didn't get more air time. It would have been phenomenal. I am hoping Jeff will win, of course. But, yea. I hope they still continue this because i feel like they haven't reached their full potential yet with this thing.

8) WWE Tag Team Champions vs. World Tag Team Champions (Unified Tag Team Championship Lumberjack Match)

It is kinda sad that they are unifying the tag titles due to a serious lack of tag teams on all shows. But, I am looking forward to seeing another phenomenal match from Miz&Morrison and Colon brothers. Add to that the sisterly rival between Brie and Nikki Bella and you have a potential best match of the night. I love all of them, and this is one feud i never tire of. The winner i think is going to be John Morrison and the Miz.

9) WWE Champion Triple H vs. Randy Orton

Wow. Now this is the match that I have been waiting for. Honestly, i could have never predicted that it would blow up to this proportion way back when steph slapped randy. And when trips came out to save his wife and unmask the worst kept secret in pro wrestling history, i almost shit myself. And then it was a constant pendulum between being furious, confused, frustrated, triumphant and violent all the time. And also, I loved both their promos on it and i loved how Randy linked it back to that pivotal moment in 2004 when Evolution turned on a young Randy after his first title win. Oh my fucking god! To think, this was a match five years in the making..

I mean, it is all like don't fuck with my family dumbass and all that. I love love love it. And you know what, Triple H is gonna fucking kick Randy's ass way back to his grandfather's time. Fuck, yeah!

And you know I love it, because it is Time to Play the Game and you know what...

I have been fucked with, and it is GAME ON!

2009-03-27T09:30:00.000-07:00

T.I. has just been sentenced to a year and a day in prison after a unique plea deal with the courts that allowed him to postpone his sentencing for a year as he was on parole and served 1006 hours of community service inspiring young at risk teenagers to not make the same mistakes he did.

T.I. is an ideal human being.

I don't condone his mistakes, but i am promoting his attitude towards this entire situation. Choice and consequence. Responsibility.

T.I. is a key example of someone who has acknowledged that they have made mistakes, realized why they were wrong and then showed (not preached) to everyone else why they shouldn't go down the same path.

T.I. is a real man.

He is one of the best rappers ever, and i will be waiting for his return.

"Ey I said listen homeboy
you can talk all you want man you know what I'm sayin'
errybody entitled to their own opinions you know what I'm sayin'
they like escalades errybody got one
but the fact of the matter remain
if ya ain't walk a mile in my shoes and ya ain't live a day in my life
ya ain't survive the shit I done survived
ya ain't had to deal with the shit i had to deal with homeboy
you can't mutherfuckin' judge me partner
I mean look at folk like Sean Taylor
you know what they said
they said had he had a strap
he woulda lived today
you know what I'm sayin
now true enough I was dead wrong I broke the law
I deserve to be punished I understand that aight cool
but listen man I gotta house full of kids
a mama and an old lady who life in my
responsibility you dig that!?

now for all of y'all who think I was just ridin' around on some dumb shit
ey
you know I'm smarter than you man
you know I'm smarter than you dawg
ey if you think I was just out there being stupid
shorty I got some mutherfuckin' ocean front property in Idaho for sale homie
if you beleive that I gotta bridge in Brooklyn I wanna sell you partnah

ey man real talk in order to understand my train of thoughts
you'll have to put yo self in my position
you can't expect me to think like you cuz my life ain't like yours
you know what I'm sayin?
if you don't understand that you don't understand english I'm done talking to you! "

~ Ready For Whatever by T.I.

2009-03-25T08:49:00.000-07:00

I am reeling in shock right now.

Y'know, i am as a big a smark as anyone else but i always just allow myself to let go and lose myself in the sick and twisted wwe universe whenever i watch any of their programming.

And i almost about lost it when i watched raw this week.

Orton is a sick, sadistic pathetic excuse for a human being, and I hate that he got the upper hand on HHH once again, and even worse what he did to stephanie after. If the wwe wanted to shock us, well congratulations, they got their wish.

It is funny though. For a "PG" show, they sure as hell got a lot of shocking and inappropiate content.

2009-03-24T09:38:00.000-07:00

Thought of the day: When your nose is already blocked and you feel feverish, the last thing you should be doing is inhaling nail polish fumes..

Hmm...

So, after about 4 hours, i have decided to post a review of Twitter. Yes, excited much?

If you're looking for a fun social networking site, with lots to do and play, forget about Twitter. Really. Honestly, all it is is just the statuses. Thats it.

No photo albums, no games, no tagging, no wall.. Just status.

Which is the whole point actually, Twitter has a very simple objective. To let people know what you're doing.

And thats it.

I watched the intro video, so i get what they're trying to do and i kinda like it. I like the basic aim behind it and that its very easy to use. Although, its not something you spent hours on, but i guess it serves its function well.

Plus, i joined it for gossip and the first thing i did was follow E news. hahaha..

It's fun though, and very easy.. So, go ahead and join now.. www.twitter.com

Umm...

2009-03-20T19:43:00.000-07:00

Ok, 3 things..

1)Just changed my blogskin and am a bit confused by the whole html thing. I want to disable the comments thing and change my signing off at the end of each post but have no idea how to do it..

Also this is kinda symbolic because i think i have to change my blogging style. Emotions are a tricky dangerous thing and blogging about them can end up to be equally lethal.

Growing older and more mature means having to deal with issues and things in a rationalised way, to learn that the world is ALL gray areas and there is no black and white, most importantly, to know what YOU want, what is important to YOU and not being afraid to go for it, and also to know when to retreat and making sure that no one gets hurt in the process.

After all, it is not what you do but how you do it.

2) For once, I am on John Cena's side.

The Rock is one of the greatest wwe superstars ever but he did sell out. And it is annoying to hear him say how much he loves the business but he would never come back. As far as I am concerned, Dwayne Johnson is a talented man but i Have zero respect for him.

3) And I am finally satisfied on the whole Orton vs HHH feud. It was very gratifying to watch hhh finally get the upper hand on Orton although I felt a bit sorry for Rhodes in the process..

But, Oh well..

2009-03-11T09:02:00.000-07:00

OH MY GOD! I WON!!!

For my MNO module, we had to ask 3 people what makes a good leader, and i figured i would cheat a bit by posting it on PWMania and hope 3 people reply..

Anyway, I ended up winning Best Discussion Thread of February 2009!!!

I am really surprised by this honor and I would like to take this time to thank the very special people who made all of this possible..

Firstly, my MNO lecturer, Mr David Lehmann who came up with the assignment.

The 3 people who actually responded to my thread.

My family for being so supportive of me and letting me use the internet all the time :)

Starhub Broadband, for well, providing the service.

And well, I would like to thank myself for actually thinking of posting the question in the forum.

*insert victory dance here*

In the immortal words of London, "Yay, me!"

2009-03-02T06:05:00.000-08:00

If someone disrespects you and you don't get an apology or at the very least an explanation, what am i supposed to think?

Pissed off and tired beyond belief.

I hate people who dont take responsibility for their own actions.

The library is not your home and we are not your slaves. Library books are public property and not your own things to do with as you please. If you borrow something from someone, will you return it back to them in a less than par condition and then disclaim all responsibility?

i.e. If you borrow a top from a friend, will you return it back to them with a tear and say, "What, I clumsy what?"

Nonsense.

I wish we had more power, so i can go back to the bitches who continue screaming the second i turn my back and tell them to shut up. So annoying. I love the library and it pisses me off to see them treating it like shit.

Grrr..

Maybe i am jusy so on edge cos i missed sd this week and no, i haven't watched the wrestler yet.

Yes, my life sucks.

2009-02-26T05:05:00.000-08:00

I either need to resize my video or get a new blogskin.

Well, its been a fucked up year so far.

I have broken every promise and resolution i have had for this year already. I wish i could go back and do things over but i can't.

So, here's what i'm going to do now:

(and i am dead serious about this)

1) Return to Yishun Fight Club and go for class as often as i can so i can finish my sessions..

2) Finish my readings and do my best for all my assignments.

3) Even if 2 means i have to stay back in school so i can do it, i will..

4) I am going to be dead tired but hey, no one ever said success was easy..

It's time for a change and it starts with me.

2009-02-17T22:19:00.000-08:00

Anger. Disappointment. Frustration. Regret.

There's a difference between letting go and protecting someone. I cannot send anything of mine to a pack of wolves. I will not. I also will fight for my own rights and privelleges that I have enjoyed. I am a spoilt brat. I am the youngest. I am divine, i am the queen and i am divR.

T.I. is heading to prison soon.. Here is the video I have been waiting for:

T.I. - New Music - More Music Videos

2009-02-09T07:27:00.000-08:00

I think there is a very fine line between what is real and what is not. I think there are certain people who walk that line every night, sometimes there are even certain groups of people who spend so much time on one side of the line that they can't ever fully cross over.

And sometimes, you have to take a side, sitting on the fence just isn't an option.

After all, reality is based on perception. Perception is always flawed in our own unique way, so reality is also flawed on our own unique way... Right?

Anyways, random thoughts led me to random websites led me to random quizzes...

You Were an Outgoing Kid

When you were a kid, you had no problem expressing yourself.

There's a good chance you started talking early - and never stopped!

You had a lot of friends, and unlike most kids, you weren't shy around adults.

You were well adjusted and confident. You enjoyed speaking up and participating.

What Kind of Kid Were You?

You Are Very Warm

You are kind, caring, and empathetic. A lot of warm energy radiates from you.

And it's not an act - you truly like people. You get a charge from people being around you.

You are are easy going and very socially adaptable. You're willing to overlook peoples'quirks.

You enjoy meeting people from all walks of life and helping them if you can. Giving makes you feel good.

How Warm Are You?

Your Energy Level is High

You are a very enthusiastic, productive person. You have no trouble getting anything done.

Beyond having a lot of energy, it's likely that your energy level tends to be quite steady.

Unlike people with very high energy, you don't tend to be impulsive.

By keeping your energy in check, you are able to use it as productively as possible.

What's Your Energy Level?

You Are Chocolate

When you're stressed out, you crave intense pleasure.

And you're willing to skip a proper meal and proceed directly to the food you like best.

You find solace in hedonism and luxury. You tend to turn your nose up at most traditional comfort foods.

Somewhat surprisingly, trying a new food (especially a new type of chocolate) can be the most comforting thing for you.

What Comfort Food Are You?

You Are Cute-Sexy!

You are definitely attractive, and you have an interesting mix of sexiness and cuteness.

You are both hot and quirky. Gorgeous and silly. Charming and natural.

You are not so in-your-face sexy that you're unapproachable. You tone things down a bit.

More than anything else, you are real and genuine. And that makes you truly captivating.

Are You Cute or Sexy?

Your Ideal Island Vacation is Nevis

On an island vacation, you need the sun, the beach, the sand, and the ocean.

In other words, it doesn't take much to make you happy. That's what the vacation is for.

Nevis is perfect for a true island vacation aficionado like yourself. It's underrated, small, and laid back.

Sure, it's a slower pace, but that's ideal. You won't be overwhelmed with activities, and you'll take the time to truly relax.

What's Your Ideal Island Vacation?

See what I mean?

2009-02-07T09:49:00.000-08:00

I hate...

-screaming kids
-running kids
-running and screaming kids
-annoying people who have a blatant disregard for rules
-people who give attitude when you approach them nicely
-rule breakers who ignore you when you point it out
-those who are so fucking stupid that they have not a stealthy cell in their body
-little sluts who barely reached puberty but wander around in hoochie shorts giving attitude (bitch, please.. i was a bitch before you were even born, do not even attempt to fuck with me, yea?)
-having absolutely nothing to eat for the better part of the day
-sucky vegetarian food
-that PMS doesn't end when your period actually starts.
-the fucking menstrual cycle (NS has got to be easier, really...)

And number 1 on my list:

-That for the first time in my life I am missing Thaipusam...

I HATE MY LIFE!

2009-02-06T04:00:00.000-08:00

Oh man.. Am I in love with Randy Orton now or what?

I have to admit that boy has absolutely awed me with his breathtaking and jaw dropping performances on Raw recently. Especially when he almost punted Stephanie Mcmahon, my blood literally froze and I half expected Hunter to come baralleling out to save his wife... Or for Aurora to throw her doll at him... Or for Murphy Claire to squirt milk in his eyes.. Hee hee...

But, I am a bit disappointed with the McMahons reaction to Orton. "Big Plans" include putting him in a match against Shane and putting him against the Undertaker next week. Kinda makes me miss the McMahon-Helmsley Era where Stephanie was a total bitch. I know she's a mother now and wwe has gone PG, but still, could we have a little bit of an evil McMahon please?

Although, I have to question the appropriateness of the wwe to have a storyline with a superstar who has been previously linked to a steroid scandal to an illness that is linked to steroid use.. Just hope that people take it as a storyline, wouldn't want the wwe to get into trouble with Congress once again?

Meh. I think they'll be fine. It was also interesting to see Cena's promo against Jericho before his match. I was actually impressed with him. But, i didn't really watch the match much.. But, he is improving, just hope he NEVER EVER mentions The Marine again and we will be cool.

Besides being curious about the Hardy feud, and whatever my baby is up to, and Kendrick, and Maryse... I think the wwe rocks right now..

2009-02-02T20:37:00.000-08:00

I have a problem with concepts. It was the reason why i had so much trouble with theatre studies...

You see, i have been in drama for a while since primary school actually. So, i understand the processes involved in productions and the whole how to get our message across thingy...

But, in ts, half the time i was totally lost. I understood in reality but i just couldnt get the concepts. I couldnt rationalise what the lecturer was saying. But i fully understood the actual concrete production...

Funny how i still have this problem.

2009-01-05T22:42:00.000-08:00

Put everything on pause!!

I am happy just the way I am because I am not a LOSER...

I am free, and loving it...

2009-01-01T20:12:00.000-08:00

Happy 2009!

My new year resolutions:

1) To get off my ass and do all the things i keep saying I will do but never do.
i.e. MT, run, diet (as in no more secret chix nugget rendezvous!)
2) To break my addiction of putting my eggs in a basket which belongs to another.
(that might be a bit difficult since i was just FB stalking again.. but... I have to move on..)
3) To not give up hope..

I want something to happen and it is going to happen. Now.

2008-12-11T08:05:00.000-08:00

My virgin hair has officially been deflowered.

In a failed experiment.

Oh, bloody hell. I knew I shouldn't have gone ahead with it after I had an almost argument with the hairdresser over what colour, i kept saying "Deep Violet! Deep Violet!" and she kept saying "Why don't you choose brown or red?". And I am all like.. "Now, listen bitch, it's my fucking hair..."

Yea right.

I am a wuss. In the end i chose this dark purple which was sorta mahogany i think, and it turned out quite invisible actually.

Fucking hell, that is a $110 down the fucking rain.

I am not entirely sure what to do at this point, if I should try to fix the damage by coloring myself or go to another hairdresser or what...

I am so upset about this that I am in denial...

No, wait. Let me just wait and see. I have been too exhausted and busy these past few days to actually plan out my next plan. So, maybe I will just wait and see first.

Anyways, in the show Lilo and Stitch,

"It's not the hair that makes the person, its the person that makes the hair"

Chin up, Little One.
Hair does grow... even if it takes a couple of years...

2008-12-08T04:43:00.000-08:00

No more stress, now I'm straight, now I get it, now I take
Time to think, before I make mistakes just for my family's sake
That part of me left yesterday
The heart of me is strong today
No regrets I'm blessed to say
The old me dead and gone away

[Chorus - Justin Timberlake (T.I.)]
Ohhhh (eyyy)
I've been travellin' on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone
And ohhhh (eyyy)
I've been travellin' on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone, dead and gone

~T.I.

Never blog when at the peak of emotions.

This is not me conforming or joining a flock and this is not weakness.

This is just me not being a heartless bitch.

2008-12-04T16:03:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, the world literally spun during my exam. And today I woke up feeling like fuck.

So, i looked up some symptoms online to see what I could do without involving any pain medication and I have narrowed it down to it being a Tension Headache caused by Anxiety Disorder.

But, this happens a lot and I seriously think I am anaemic, so I should probably get a blood test done after my exams.

2008-12-02T23:45:00.000-08:00

I am not that strong. I don't know where people get this impression from, I am NOT that strong.

It is so hard to just forgive and forget and let go of everything. I am mean and a bitch because i can't afford to get hurt again, I just can't...

I have suffered so much at their hands and now i am so worried and afraid that they might not be done yet.

My anxious anxious anxious heart races,
I just can't help but feel that this Little One is doomed...

2008-11-30T03:41:00.000-08:00

Well, since no one really reads this anyway...

I wasn't drunk when I said i want my sister back.
Everything and everyone is changing.
Everyone is getting married at a time when my own happy ending looks bleak.
I don't want things to change.
I fear i may be losing all those dear to me.

So anxious, anxious, anxious.
Be still, my racing heart.
Oh little one, how much more have you to suffer?

2008-11-26T18:17:00.000-08:00

Sometimes certain things happen that are just like a slap to the face.

Hope can be so dangerous sometimes..

2008-11-24T22:03:00.000-08:00

1 down 4 more papers to go..

GEK 1535 Chem tmr evening
SSA 2209 GPS Mon afternoon
SC2218 Anthro Thursday evening (WTF is the format???)
SC3208 Religion on Fri afternoon...

In between, I have my cousin's ROM and my mum's birthday and just generally trying hard not to slack. Hmmm...

SO, technically am supposed to be mugging but.. well...

I HATE EXAMS!

Just a couple of comments though..

1) The jeff hardy scared me for a total of about 2 minutes before i realised it was a hoax. Those 2 minutes were enough for me to renew my faith in Jeff hardy. So, yes, i will be wearing my extreme pendant again, soon.

2) Why the hell do all the great matches and angles happen when I am NOT watching??

3) FACT: You can't make a living being a professional athlete or an artiste in Singapore. This needs to change. We have plenty Singaporean talent who if given the opportunities can shine, no need to buy them from other countries. Maybe with this issue being raised now, Singapore could finally do something about this issue...

4) Manicure + sneezing = messed up nails.

5) My baby is no longer champion! (So, get off his back HHH haters!)

6) My baby made captain! (Frankly, I was never for the idea that Gallas was captain anyway. His inability to connect with the rest of the team and his prideful nature shone through. Now, can we get back to winning something?) Go Arsenal!

7) Last night I watched Ithu Namma Kathai. And let me add some comments to their discussion. Their topic was "Indian women do not care about their appearance."

I took offense particularly at the part when he said you shouldn't wear house coats outside the house. I call them batik dresses. And i wear them at home, true. But, if i need to go to the shop downstairs for just a little while, i don't bother changing. Here's why..

a) If you want me to change and get dolled up, it will take triple the time i normally take. And frankly, I won't go through that much trouble to just get a snack or bread or whatever it is that I wanted to buy.

b) It's my fucking neighborhood, yea. So, if i don't want to change, then I DON'T WANT TO CHANGE! SO, FUCK OFF!!!

Right, I dress up however I want to. I have my own style, and know what works for me and what doesn't. So, if i don't want to wear make up, I don't. If i am late for my lecture and just throw on cargos and a tshirt, then yes, that is what i will wear (It's actually called my I-am-a-exhausted-and-stressed-out-undergraduate-so-leave-me-the-fuck-alone look). I mean, yea in some occasions, like when I am going out, i dress up and everything, but why should i dress up all the time?

Because society tells me to? Because those 4 people tell me i should at least wear my lipstick? I think I have written this before but let me just say it again..

I DON'T BLOODY CARE HOW YOU THINK I SHOULD DRESS. BECAUSE YOUR OPINIONS DON'T FREAKIN' MATTER. I AM DONE WITH LISTENING TO WHAT SOCIETY WANTS, SO AS AN INDIAN GIRL, AS A SOCIOLOGY MAJOR, (SO YOU SEE, I AM ON TO YOU NOW) I SAY FUCK YOU SOCIETY!

Now, that I have let all that out, back to mugging. *sigh*

2008-11-23T04:18:00.000-08:00

I hung up the phone tonight
Something happened for the first time
Deep inside
It was a rush
What a rush
'Cause the possibility
That you would ever feel the same way
About me
It's just too much
Just too much

Why do I keep running from the truth
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized
So mesmerized
And I've just got to know

[chorus]
Do you ever think
When you're all alone
All that we could be
Where this thing could go
Am I crazy or falling in love
Is it real or just another crush
Do you catch a breath
When I look at you
Are you holding back
Like the way I do
'Cause I'm trying, trying to walk away
But i know this crush ain't going
Away
Going away

Has it ever crossed your mind
When we're hanging,
Spending time, girl, are we just friends
Is there more
Is there more
See it's a chance we've gotta take
'Cause I believe that we can make this
Into something that'll last
Last forever
Forever

[chorus]

Why do I keep running from the truth
(Why do I keep running)
All I ever think about is you
(All I ever think about)
You got me hypnotized
(Hypnotized)
So mesmerized
(mesmerized)
And I've just got to know

[chorus]

Going away
Going away
~ Crush David Archuleta

I hate it that he doesn't know i even exist.
I hate it that I can't stop deluding myself about the possibilities.
I hate that he is on my mind when I hear this song.
I hate that I feel sick to my stomach even when I hear his name.
I hate that I will never ever have a chance with him.
I hate that he will never know...
I hate that I can't let him go no matter how much i insist I have.
I hate him and everything he does to me.

I can't deal with this now. Have to let it out.

*deep breath and exhale*

NOW, back to mugging.

2008-11-12T05:53:00.000-08:00

Add another name to my CC (Celebrity Crush) list.

Flo Rida.

I love the song Elevator. Can't wait for exams to be over so I can do my hair.

*smilez*

2008-11-11T04:31:00.000-08:00

Now, normally I don't really comment on political situations (except for the intricate and sometimes imaginary backstage in the WWE) because i am, quite proudly, politically apathetic.

But with the whole PM Lee commenting that we most probably won't have a minority PM in the near future and the whole hoopla that has resulted, I really have to get this off my chest.

First, the cause of it all. The new president of USA, Obama. When I first heard this guy's name, I thought it was supposed to be a pun. Then, I realised he was an actual presidential candidate. I didn't really follow the election as much as I was following Smackdown but from what little I saw and heard I became an Obama supporter. A lot of bad decisions have been made for the past few years by the Bush administration, and to me, it felt like McCain was too much like Bush. Obama seemed capable of bringing change to the American people, and by default the world. Let's not kid ourselves. USA is too much of a superpower, everything that happens there affects us one way or the other. I don't think Americans voted in a black president, they voted in the guy who seemed most capable of getting them out of the poop that they seemed to be in.

If McCain was black, and Obama was white, would the results have been different? I don't think so.

As far as Singapore is concerned, Race is such a funny issue. I don't think it matters much anymore. Its still a form of identity but race shouldn't be an indication of our capabilities. Here is an example of why I think race doesn't matter when it comes to leadership.

In the drama club that I used to be in, there was a good mix of races and people of different classes, streams and cliques. When it came to leadership, it didn't matter what race, class or school you were from, but how committed you were to the cca and whether you were capable of being a leader to the rest.

Leadership is leadership. There may be many Indians in the world but we are not all the same. Here, we are Singaporeans first, then whatever Race next. I am a Singaporean Indian. As long as the next PM supports my interests as a Singaporean, I will not give a flying fuck what race he is. This whole minority race issue is just fucking ridiculous. It shouldn't fucking matter. The government shouldn't be saying that because you are Malay/Indian/Other, you cannot be a good leader. That is bullshit.

I realize that the PM did not mean that but I do think he could have phrased his answer better. Mentioning the R word and saying not likely, is not a tactful thing to say in a multiracial country where race is supposedly a volatile issue.

PAP has achieved extreme success to the point where people like me can afford to be politically apathetic. I know that I am being taken care of and I trust the government. But, in these days, with the dismissal of a minority PM and the fact that I have to ask for a fucking translator in my own fucking neighborhood to buy a fucking pastry really fucking pisses me off. I am anxious and worried. I do not want to have to even think about the idea that i may be discriminated against.

Overall,

I am a Singaporean, born and bred. I really don't care what race our next PM is; as long as he gets the job done.

2008-11-04T23:14:00.000-08:00

I suppressed a small smile as I skipped over a large muddy puddle, with the same color as tea. Perhaps, that is why I have despised tea from a young age, "why would anyone want to drink muddy rainwater?"

Rain is so beautiful. My favorite part is when it is windy too and if you turn your face to the right angle, you can get a delicious breeze blowing little droplets of rainwater into your face and hair.

I smile as I skip along, wishing that i was a child once more, just so I could skip and jump into puddles on a rainy day again.

Sometimes, some days, it is the littlest of things that makes me the happiest.

2008-11-01T07:24:00.000-07:00

I have an illness.

Its called The Spoilt Brat's Syndrome. Every single time my parents leave for an overseas trip, I always always always get sick. This time the syndrome gave me barely enough time to lock the door before i ran to the bathroom and had mysterious diarrhea. (Although that may be because i get depressed then i binge on anything i can get my hands on)

But there are merits to being alone:
1) I get to plan my own day and do what i want.
2) I get to walk around the house in my underwear.
3) I get to make my own meals out of anything I want!

Like, I just had wasabi salmon sandwiches (most pathetic wasabi i have ever tasted), mushroom soup and for desert, Ben n Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake Ice cream. Then to be on the safe side, i drank a whole bottle of Ice Lemon Tea.

I am sooo going to be sick. Here's the most annoying part of my day though.. Next weekend, I am off.

WHY ??? WHY???

2008-10-30T05:21:00.000-07:00

Am absolutely exhausted and totally behind on my assignments.. (so, what's new right?)

Anyways, Muay Thai is more and more fun and will be continuing at the new and exclusive Ray's Fight Club. *smilez*

Exams in 3 weeks, major plans for after but until then no more blogging.

2008-10-22T09:41:00.000-07:00

I have been having some trouble focusing and getting my Anthro assignment out so I thought to get motivated by watching a video by my role model and all time favorite wrestler; Triple H.

2008-10-10T09:10:00.000-07:00

When I was alone, I nearly chickened out. I panicked and almost left. I damn near turned around and left instead of seeing things through the way that I want.

Then today...

"Admire you... So brave... Congratulations... *pats on your back*"

I truly truly truly appreciate the friends that I have now. Assurance from them means more to me than they'll ever realise. Thanks girls..

2008-10-09T21:28:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of constantly hearing smarks complain about Triple H.

It seems as if at every turn, regardless of whether he is winning or losing or if he is champion, as long as Trips is on tv, people start talking.

I guess, that is just part and parcel of being a fan but a recent thread on PWMania actually made me wanna tear out my hair and cry. It is just so unfair, how they treat him and talk about him. They just can't get past the fact that he is married to Stephanie Mcmahon. They make a great couple, by the way.

There used to be a time when I would stand up for him and swear at anyone who dares say anything about my baby. But now, there is just so many of them and it pisses me off how their argument always comes back to that one point. So, now I just ignore them.

HHH is one of the greatest wrestlers ever, in every sense of that word. He is athletic and makes me believe. He is the absolute best. And for all the bastards out there who claim he doesn't pay his dues, two words for you; curtain call. Look it up.

He is someone who truly understands the business, respects it and lives it. Seeing that quote about Randy Orton doesn't really surprise me. Orton is brash, cocky and has an attitude problem. It is a fact and noone can argue with that one.

So, say what you want. But at the end of the day, try watching any video from any match in his career, and just shut up and listen. All that noise of people screaming, booing, whatever, it isn't because he is married to Stephanie thats for sure.

So, to all you HHH Haters, FUCK YOU!

Having said all this though,

At No Mercy, that was a bullshit ending. HHH should not have won the match by countering the Swanton.

It was a great match as it is always when these 2 get in the ring. But, having HHH counter the swanton and win the match the way he did was absolutely fucking riduculous. I damn near screamed in the middle of the mrt train. That was like completely burying Jeff.

But, on the other hand, I knew Jeff wasn't going to win because I don't think he deserves the WWE title just yet. A lot of his fans are still pissed about his second suspension (i.e. me) and not everyone is really fully behind him yet. I think he needs to serve out his punishment a little bit more, before he can reclaim the wwe title.

So, if he is getting buried by hhh, well, he deserves it. He hasn't earned anything yet.

2008-10-07T08:05:00.000-07:00

I feel better now. More grounded. I think I am changing for the better.

I have more achievable goals now. The wiki. I think I understand what you are saying. Eropagnis. I am not alarmed. Religion. I choose to think one way but feel another. Must be detached and objective. Government and Politics of Singapore. Ditto. I understand and question. Chem. Well, I know now what I must do.

I don't feel quite so overwhelmed anymore and I know I can do it.

Not hoping. Not praying. Not wishing. I have well and truly let go. If I do something, it will be for me. This is the only time in my life I can afford to be truly and thoroughly selfish. This is the only time I can do what I want and when I want and not have to answer to anyone.

I am free.

Speaking of which, I am really excited about the dansfestival at the durian. I have already planned a schedule for the performances I want to watch and am really excited about watching some of the performances. As for the What's your Move?, I will see. Maybe I might jump in or I could stand in one corner and people watch. Let me settle the little stuff first.

I am excited and hopeful.
For myself.

2008-09-29T06:29:00.000-07:00

Now that I got my SC2210 Ass out of the way...

Next up, SC3208 tutorial presentation on Thursday
SSA2209 Ass on Friday
GEK1353 Mid Term on Friday

Yes, it is a sucky week. Add to that 12 hours of work this weekend, well.. My life sucks.

Especially last weekend. Some guy said I was too slow. I was more amused but now am quite pissed.

NEWSFLASH! The world does not revolve around you, you bloody moron. If the CDs are fucking me upside down, then they are. Honestly, you think if I didn't need to do it one by bloody one, I would be the first one leaping in fucking joy. I hate it when they sigh and whine like they're doing fucking work. I may be in customer service but i ain't your fucking slave. Do not test me, i will smash your fucking head in with my bloody red fucking clipboard.

On a lighter note, I am definitely buying myself 2 shoes by this weekend and visiting Merly. I bloody need it.

2008-09-27T07:15:00.001-07:00

As usual, I am rushing my assignment. Imagine me shock when I happenned to glance through my Module Infos and discover I have an assignment due in 6 days...

My first thought was, "Uma, you are a fucking bitch."

My conscience is harsh.

But well, I do have an idea of what to do and thank god its an essay so its really not too bad. But still, I wish I had more time or noticed it earlier...

Disturbia is running through my head.

Also, must remember to get the new TI album coming soon.

I have 2 saris for Deepavali and not sure which to wear.

I am narcissistic.

I refuse to grow up.

Fuck you.

Wishing for this week to be over.

Random Random Random Random.

2008-09-16T01:03:00.000-07:00

Ever get the feeling sometimes that nothing is ok?
Ever had a dark cloud follow you wherever you go?
It is despair, desperation, sorrow, misery...
It makes me wanna tear my hair out...

Deep breath.

Hope.

Does it really exist?

2008-09-09T07:01:00.000-07:00

Just changed my new blogskin. Am having a little trouble with the imeem embed though.. It looks weird and am not sure how to get it down to size.

A couple of things though.

1) I am ok. Not good yet but ok. That's a start. I am still figuring this out and trying to not be well so sucidal. It's a start and i think i might have found something i need.

2) Regarding the Nasri incident, during the newcastle match last week, (this is a bit late but i gotta get it off my chest), I totally 100% support nasri. Yea, so he got petty revenge on the violent maniac Joey Barton but so what? Its not like it was a rough challenge and not totally illegal either. Personally, I am extremely happy about the fact that he wasn't afraid to stand up and say, "Hey! I won't be pushed around!" Kudos to Nasri. Players do stuff to each other on the pitch sometimes and thats ok, as long as it doesnt get too out of hand. So looking forward to the Blackburn game this weekend.

3) Going back to MT is tougher than I would thought it would be but i guess i just need to work doubly hard at it and try harder. I think the reason why i suffered so much last week is because i took too large a step literally and figuratively. Its ok. I feel better this week or at least for today...

4) Just watched a couple of matches from Unforgiven.

I have to say I wasn't a huge fan of the Championship Scramble matches or having 3 in 1 show, but they were actually very cool and exciting. I actually watched all 3 and although i have to say my favourite was the wwe championship one, they were all well booked and it was different each time. Very well done. And the Jericho swerve. Genius. Although I am a bit pissed at how Punk was not really utilised well as champion, but after watching it, I am actually really psyched at how things turned out. Can't wait for Raw on wednesday...

Love the Big Show but totally unhappy that the deadman got served...

And BTW,

I own 31 pairs of shoes! Count 'em!

2008-09-01T08:39:00.000-07:00

I am reeling with shock and sorrow..

PAVLYUCHENKO SIGNED WITH SPURS!! NOW I HAVE TO HATE HIM?!?!

I was very impressed with him at Euro 2008 and actually began to root for Russia after Italy got kicked out.

(Honestly, should have gone with my heart on that one. It was saying Spain but my head and stomach told me Italy. I lost the family pool :( )

Keeping a close watch now on the transfers.. Hope Arsenal get to sign a solid striker..

WHY PAVLYUCHENKO WHY????

2008-08-28T06:25:00.000-07:00

Ironic that the sun would finally choose to shine the morning after..

Even as the sun warmly embraced me and dazzled my eyes,

I still shiver.
I still feel cold.

How do you recover from nothing?

One Step at a Time

2008-08-27T16:29:00.000-07:00

I just had the mother of all breakdowns yeaterday.

I went into the toilet for a good cry but ended up in there crying for 40 minutes straight.

I was just so down about everything and already not feeling too good and it just all crashed down on me and I couldn't take it anymore. When i was sitting on the toilet and crying, I actually gave up. I totally was consumed by all that was bad and negative and I couldn't lift myself out of it. The dark cloud totally took over and I couldn't breathe.

My family, of course, totally freaked out and repeatedly told me how much they loved me and believed me and how much I matter.

I don't know if it worked, I still feel a bit wonky and 'off' but at least I have stopped crying.

One step at a time.

2008-08-25T10:17:00.000-07:00

It is so so scary when you finally take the step. It is so scary when reality begins to change and is not the same boring uneventful all the time.

I am taking a step forward in achieving something but at the same time i am inching backwards in fear...

I fear I am losing control.

I am crying. Upset, scared, nervous beyond belief. Queasy queasy. Nauseous.

I reassure myself like I always do but this time is so much harder. I still think I am lying.

LIAR.

I am losing control. I fear I have already lost it.

2008-08-18T04:09:00.000-07:00

I just want to leave. Just leave.

2008-08-14T03:54:00.001-07:00

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus:]
We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus]

When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
when you need to find the strength
It's the faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time

[Chorus x2]
~ One Step At A Time - Jordin Sparks

2008-08-13T07:13:00.001-07:00

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL???

THEY HAVE UPDATED THE TIMING OF WWE SHOWS! WE NOW GET IT THE SAME WEEK THEY DO!

YIPPEEEEE!!!

2008-08-13T06:28:00.000-07:00

I am a bit worried about my modules this semester. They all look like they are going to require quite a bit of work on my part and that worries me. Alot.

Sigh.

A lot of other thing worry me too. But, I guess things are going to be ok on that front even if nothing does ever happen, I promise I won't demean myself to any level.

And yes, i am a hypocrite. All those people I condemned last year, I am one of them now. So what? I am just starting to take pride in my everyday appearance and who knew a little eyeliner could make that much of a difference?

Caught between the will to stay as I once was and to be taken notice of.

2008-08-11T05:31:00.000-07:00

Why the hell is Starworld not showing friends but Seinfeild instead? Why were there no National Day Specials and there is non stop Olympics programming on Channel 5?

Why the hell do I have to go back to school tomorrow??

As much as I looked forward to my long, boring and uneventful holidays ending, and the actual hustle and bustle of school starting, I kinda am feeling like I am too used to being a lazy bum to go to class.

And for some weird strange reason, I have had 3 panic attacks since yesterday. It is kinda weird considering I haven't had an attack since 2006. Yea, I have been a little angsty every now and then but I haven't had an attack like this for a while.

So weird. I feel better now but I got this killer migrane but so not helping by staring at my lappy, right?

I do wanna make changes this sem. As i mentioned to a friend, my biological clock has officially exploded and I have decided to do something about it. We'll see...

Now, what does one wear for my first lecture of the term?

2008-07-27T05:22:00.000-07:00

101 dalmatians = 101th post

It always amazes me how deluded people can be.

It doesn't matter if you're new or a seasoned professional. You give a half assed performance you will get fucked up beyond belief.

Lesson of life, ladies.

I still think the first Dhool was the best ever.

2008-07-22T00:28:00.000-07:00

100th post:

Today I finally cleaned out her desk and stacked her stuff nicely in one corner. Its so empty now.

The wall is scarred from tape marks, peeled paint and blu tack. Just how I feel.

Weird how my room has never seemed so empty before...

Sigh. Time to step up, i guess..

2008-07-16T06:50:00.000-07:00

I had a pretty awesome day today..

It is great to every now and then have a day off to just do whatever and do things on your own time, own target.

I went first to esplanade library, munching on some breadtalk along the way. Then after a short detour to MErlion Park (the most gorgeous place ever!) and Starbucks (yummy dark mocha frappucino), I walked to national library.

It was fun to just be by myself for a while, not worrying about next semester, no stress. My biggest worry today was if I was walking in the right direction...

I feel refreshed. Happy. Contented in life. Secure about my present and future too because I know I can take care of myself no matter what.

Just 2 things to note:

1) Next time, bring camera. Merly was gorgeous today and the sky was beautiful with the full moon already out.

2) Please bring bag to put library books in. Always end up having to carry 2 or 3 books in my arms home.

Other than that, I feel like singing...

"And I think to myself,
What a Wonderful World..."
~???

2008-07-14T23:40:00.000-07:00

Well, isn't that interesting...

2008-07-14T23:39:00.001-07:00

2008-07-14T07:54:00.000-07:00

I went IKEA by myself today. Really gave me a huge inspiration as far as my room is concerned. Just realised that I need to take it one step at a time and not rush anything.

First step: I bought a new rolly chair! Its big, its comfy, its black!

Then of course, I finished looking around early so I sat down to a hot coffee, yummy cheesecake and creamy potato salad (the worst ever actually!) and waited for my bro and mum to arrive so I could get what I wanted and leave.

Then I had a nervous breakdown. Haven't had one of those in a really long while.

I was talking to a friend regarding stuff for next sem and everything just caught up with me. The stress over choosing my mods, my insecurity at what i was taking, worry, anxiety, panic... Everything. And I actually broke down into tears.

Naturally, I called my sister first and talking to her helped abit. That and remembering that I had mascara on and well I didn't wanna risk mascara tracks down my face. It was good to get the emotions out.

Then, of course, after that I was insanely happy and giddy and so behaved like a 10 year old schoolgirl.

I don't know and that's really the problem. I am just so unsure of everything. I don't know what to do and this time no one can tell me what to do or point me in the right direction because well, what is really right anyway huh?

Sigh..

2008-07-09T22:58:00.000-07:00

It amuses me how football players say that they transfer to another team just because they have been "offered a better deal".

Ridiculous. That's like me saying that I get more privileges as a member of a Man U Fan club so I am going to support them. (Just an example, I am still a Gooner).

Sigh sigh. Bloody fools.

2008-07-02T10:06:00.000-07:00

I don't think it is a very good idea when I am watching Raw alone past my bedtime and they decide to pull a swerve or a shocking turn of events.

I mean, the only reason why I was still watching was because I wanted to see if there was any further backlash to Triple H being moved to Smackdown. Cos' since I'm not in the running, I don't care about the Million Dollar Giveaway.

Honestly, I had the volume at full blast in my headphones and with only one eye on the screen, the other on my phone, i got the shock of my life. Now I know, how people watching the limo explosion must have felt.

The thing was it just all looked so legit. With Hhh's reactioon, and Vince referring to him as Paul...I even burst into tears. Once they stopped rolling, I immediately dashed to my lappy and with a sigh of relief, found that it was all an act.

Thank you Vince Mcmahon for giving me a heart attack.

As for the draft, I only have 2 words...

BLOODY HELL!

2008-06-20T07:12:00.000-07:00

I really really miss her. I know she is not gone or anything but things just aren't the same.

And its been 3 1/2 months and I am not used to it.

I want my roomie, confidant, guardian, part time maid and big sister back. I miss her so much. I wish I had cried during the wedding. I wish it never happenned. I wish things didn't have to change.

I can't even stand to be in my own room anymore because everything was how she wanted it to be. I gave in to her for everything. I see her now... It's like damn la.. All my life i have given in to her, let her have her way, protected her... Loved and spoilt her... And now...

I am so bloody lost...

These holidays have been the worst. At least I had classes to distract me for a while but now...

I have never come so close to the eternal darkness before. Been waking up too much in the middle of the night.

Too many Voices in my Head,
They are all Telling Me What to Do.
My Suicidal Dreams...
I Hope They Never Come to You...

2008-06-16T00:37:00.000-07:00

Well, so much for not working this holidays.

I have finally got a job working in the library with my mum as the counter staff. I don't mind. It should be quite fun and it is a pretty easy job scope so I guess I should be okay. The only thing is the uniform. I thought I would get the cool gray vest thing but nooo I have to wear the stupid green thingy my mum wears... How horrible is that!!!

And no heels too. What the fuck? I am actually starting to reconsider they might have to pay me a bit more to wear that crap!

*SIGH*

Anyways,

Just watched The Game Plan. I can't hate Dwayne for long. That guy is hot and he is a great actor. RIP Rock.

Bloody hell.

2008-06-08T08:08:00.000-07:00

I just got done reading, Cheating Death Stealing Life: The Eddie Guerrero story.

I love Eddie (God bless his soul) and till this day I feel as if he is one of the most entertaining wrestlers ever. I never missed any of his matches and I felt like he was the true WWE superstar.

His book is a definite must-read for all wrestling fans and wrestlers. He left a whole bunch of wise words and so much inspiration. I found myself tearing and nodding at the points he made subconsciously.

I am sad that I haven't sat down and properly watched wrestling for a while now. And I do feel empty without it. I feel like I need to reevaluate my appreciation for it. I feel like I have become a mark and smark and that is not a good thing. It made me criticise a lot more than I should and I have lost the main aim of wwe which is to entertain.

I do want to be entertained. Thanks Eddie.

Viva La Raza!
RIP Eddie Guerrero
(1967-2005)

2008-06-05T10:55:00.000-07:00

Fuck Chilli Kothu Parotta.

It's 2 am and I have been to the toilet no less than 4 times already. Good god, what the hell is happenning to me?

But... I guess its my fault anyway for not having a proper meal in 2 days, and forcing the chilli kothu parotta (fuck you) down my throat, and not having dinner...

I just hope I feel better tomorrow morning, got SSF and I actually really really wanna go... *whines*

Anyways, I am still online despite my pain cos i am youtubing! Y'know when people used to tell me about random videos they saw on youtube, and then tell me that you can pretty much youtube anything, I honestly never took them seriously. Untill now..

You can YOUTUBE anything! Even answers you have been searching for months...

2008-05-31T08:06:00.000-07:00

I have a pop-up! What the fucking hell is going on?

Anyways, I kinda got into Anita Blake but after reading 2 books in the series, I have decided to discontinue it. Plenty of reasons but the major one would be that Anita Blake is a fucking useless wimp. I don't like her. So, yea.

Look at me, having a grudge against an imaginary person. Stupid bitch.

Moving on, for updates with me, myself and I:

1) Lots and lots of MTV. Play more music videos!!!

2) I have been contemplating the differences of Madonna, Mariah Carey and Janet Jackson. Madonna is great in that she is versatile but that also means she doesn't really have a disinctive feel so normally she fades with the fads. Loved her classics though.

Janet Jackson has a disporportionate relationship with her weight and clothes. She is either putting on weight or taking off clothes but I love her beats and damn that girl can dance. Although, I don't get why she was dancing in a bowl of cereal for her Feedback video but I love that song.

Mariah Carey has not changed at all. She still sings the same kind of songs with the same voice and concept but I love her. She is like the female version of BSB, same shit different era but they're so good at it, you don't care. Oh, and I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT CRAZY BITCH MARRIED NICK CANNON!!! WHY NICK WHY????

3) Given up the idea of working

4) Got some new ideas and cleaned up my room but then turned around and found a new mess sitting on top. Screaming in Frustration...

5) Results are in, not too good. Classic case of bit more than I can chew. Still in shock though. Must work harder next semester.

6) Taking more care with my dressing and make up and more pride in uniquely me.

7) Love HHH. Unsure about Jeff Hardy still.

8) Decided to abandon notion of new phone until finances are up to size.

9) Thinks Singlish is great.

10) Hates cyclists.

Yup, that pretty much covers it. Gonna go Sentosa tmr for a full family outing.

2008-05-28T10:21:00.000-07:00

I am suffering from short term memory loss.

Its been happening quite frequently nowadays where I think of something to blog/talk about/do and then I totally forget and then I'll be trying to recall it but can't remember...

Oh, and the new Indiana Jones movie sucks. Well, the storyline anyway. Action sequences were awesome and Shia Lebouf is HOT! (I still remember him as Even Stevens though)

Things I would like to accomplish this week:
1) Go Library
2) Borrow VCDs
3) Clean out my table
4) Manicure
5) Tekka
6) Family Day at the Beach
7) Creative @ PS

2008-05-21T07:34:00.000-07:00

"I never wanted to leave you guys...
But, I made a mistake and I paid for it..."

2008-05-19T06:52:00.000-07:00

Its been a pretty tiring long weekend as most of my family will tell you. One of my cousins just got married on Sunday morning. (Thats like 3 down and 2 more to go as far as the Marine/Masala girls/Seraphims go, excluding me of course) :)

It was fun though, my first time with a morning wedding and also I got the job of being the paneer girl. Real fun 'attacking' people and watching their panicked reactions when really not much water was coming out. Drama only these people. I genuinely like weddings and like I told my cousin, I am pretty much damn sure i'll marry some Tamilan or at the very least have my wedding totally following my way.

Then on Sunday night, since my cousin was here from KL, we all went out. First, we went to gotham where I was more entranced by the spiderfish and sea snake in the aquarium then anything else there. Then we wanted some Indian music so we went to Celebrities at Boat Quay. Very cramped and it was a ManU club (WTH) but the music was pretty shiok, heard a couple of 90s songs that we haven't heard like since the 90s and it was incredibly fun. But, again, dj was so and so only, not a huge fan of his mixing but ok lah, nothing much to complain about. Sigh..

After all that... Maybe I should give up on MT and think about taking some dance classes instead?

2008-05-16T23:46:00.000-07:00

I am becoming such a lazy bum...

Got a couple of things to do.

1) Gotta find a job first of all. Am totally low on funds and i keep on outputting with no input. My mum set a deadline for me to find a job by the end of May. If not, she is gonna send me for cooking classes. That's my mum's idea of a threat. It worked though. I am poring through the classifieds as I type.

2) Gotta clean my room. I know, I keep saying I wanna decorate my room but first I need to majorly overhaul it. With my sister's stuff still there and a severe lack of space still existing, all i can do is go into a major early spring cleaning first. Later, I'll come up with a plan on how I want my room to look like. This also links back to 1 because redecoration requires some non existent $.

3) Gotta lose my exam weight. Getting off my ass would be step 1 for this. Again relates back to 1 cos of the $ issue. But, yea for now just going to watch what I eat and take the stairs or walk as much as possible. Little steps first, then if I have time, maybe I'll run but I am not a huge fan of my neighbourhood and well, safety is an issue so maybe i'll look into the possibility of running on the track at the stadium or what... We'll see...

On second thought, maybe getting sick now is a good idea. Throat infections = vomitting = loss of appetitie = loss of bulge. Hmmm... Too bad, I am feeling much better today...

4) Miscellaneous. Like watching Wrestlemania, Backlash and that 3 hour raw with King of the Ring. Borrowing and reading books from the library. Watching the various vcds collecting dust on my shelf, etc etc etc...

Thats my abbreviated PEA list. Too overwhelmed at this point. Maybe I'll start with doing the chores my mum left for me. Grr..

2008-05-15T23:26:00.000-07:00

I'm back from a short holiday at Genting where I made a generous donation to them... Sigh, really the slot machines are really not my thing. Maybe the Tai sai or pontoon.. Those things may work for me. Well, otherwise...

I am exhausted and sick. It's my throat again and well, I don't know.. I feel so overwhelmed and like there is so much that I want to do and should be done and my head begins to spin. I just feel so worn down. Like I need a break, kinda ironic since it is vacation time but...

Got a couple of things I wanted to blog about actually..

The BPL is finally over and ManU are the champions once again. I am not surprised if anyone deserved it, it was them. They've had an amazing season. Arsenal are a respectable third. Considering where we were last season, i would say this is a vast and impressive improvement. Next season, we can only get better and we will win the title next season. Saying goodbye to Flamini (what an idiot) and Lehmann (...) and waving hello to David Villa and Yaya Toure. (I think the idea of a brother combo is adorable).

Next up, Euro 2008. Still not sure who to support, maybe Italy. We'll see.

Y'know what, I feel the effects of Panadol, Chloropheniramine and exhaustion setting in, so I'll update again later...

2008-05-07T05:55:00.000-07:00

Good news: My exams are over and the summer holidays are just beginning.

Bad news:

RIP Benny

Benny is my cousin's pet dog in Penang. I remember, everytime we went over there we would love to stay in their house just to see Benny. Benny is truly the king of the house. I remember him being so manja, that you just can't help but sayang him.

He always ran away from me though but I still loved him and would always try to play with him when I was at their house. I loved him to bits and would always try to chase him and get him to come to me, which he never did cos' I think I scared him a couple of times.

Ironically, my sister and I were just talking about him today. She is considering getting a pet and we were talking about him. I mentioned that I heard he was sick but didn't know why and how he was now. It really surprised me to hear that he had to be put down because he got too sick already. I feel horrible and I just wish that there was something that could have been done.

I really am gonna miss him. Sigh.

RIP Benny

2008-05-05T11:04:00.000-07:00

I had a horrible dream last night and I have been debating the whole day on whether I should blog about this or not.

Long story shot. I was in an abusive relationship with someone and I wasn't that hurt badly, unlike my other abuse dreams, but all I remember was just being in a constant state of shock. All i remember, is "How could this happen to me? How could I have been another victim?"

It deeply upset me, when I woke up, because on top of the standard aches I had in relation to my dream, I had the same feelings of being absolutely worthless. Can't even defend myself from a stupid dream.

It kinda made me question myself. Like would I ever be stuck in that kind of position? Where I am in a bad place and can't get out?

Then it occured to me, my faceless boyfriend in my dream, it was me.

Revelation. Revelation. Revelation.

2008-05-04T03:07:00.000-07:00

I am almost done. I am almost done.

My first paper, Tourism was pretty okay considering how torturous the course was. But, Deviance tight about made me wanna throw myself in front of the damn shuttle bus. So bad, I don't even wanna think about it.

Right, so I have 3 papers left. Actually, its more of an examination marathon.

Tues, 6/5, 5pm - Methods of Social Research
Wed, 7/5, 9am - Intro to Film Art
Wed, 7/5, 1pm - Social Psychology (the Soci one)

Oh, good god. Its gonna be totally hellacious but I will get through it. Plus, I do have my PEA list which is really really really long.

I can't wait for this to be over.

2008-04-30T21:48:00.000-07:00

Vijayakanth, my dark angelfish passed away yesterday. He was tortured and eventually killed by the evil yellow angel fish. RIP Vijayakanth.

Why do I always get emotional when I watch TV? I cried for Making the Band 4! WTH?

2008-04-29T09:53:00.000-07:00

Well, I am right smack in the middle of my exams. Or... actually i have had only one, so maybe still got a while to go...

*SIGH*...

I haven't watched wrestling in 3 weeks, or actually i think it is longer cos' i haven't watched since Wrestlemania. (which I haven't watched too!!!)

I am suffering severe withdrawal symptoms. I shouldn't, i know i shouldn't but ITS SO HARD!!! So, i have settled for downloading videos and watching them instead. Yup. I am cheating but still not like i am watching the whole damn thing and plus have been keeping up to date via PWMania... Okay, but still, not the same. I miss watching wrestling! I really really really need my Raw fix like now... I am dying..........

Maybe exaggerating a little much.. Sigh but still... sigh sigh sigh...

It is hard being studious.

I had a wonderful dream the other day. I dreamt i was front row watching Raw and Val Venis came out. He did his sexy towel thingy and I caught it when he threw it! I know he is like super old and well, not a conventional hunk but damn, he IS sexy! I do like the towel thingy he does and i feel quite sad that he never made it past midcarder status. Oh, and i miss Evolution too...

Sigh Sigh Sigh......

Oh, and I have been wrestling on FB. Not very good at it but, its kinda fun. Wish they had some underhanded techniques in it too, like low blow, rake his eyes, brass knux, those kinda things... Hmmm...

I MISS FLAIR!

I MISS WATCHING WRESTLING!

Still got 4 more papers and 1 week to go. After that... I will go insane with glee....
*insert evil laughter like Senor Senior Junior*
Hehehehe...

2008-04-22T07:13:00.000-07:00

I studied in school today. Which was a really interesting experience. Quite a number of people were in school but didn't really see many I know or didn't really see what I wanted. (But, its ok, remember me roar).

The interesting thing was the church groups/christian/welovenus/whatever groups giving out goodies. Candy, biscuits and milo (evil!!!). I thought that was a pretty good idea until they were standing near our table and shouting. Hmmm... You wanna wish us luck for our exams and encourage us to mug but you're disturbing the people around you... Kinda ironic, yes? Either that or I am just biased because they were giving out milo when i was dreaming of coffee (specifically Starbucks Mocha).

We were sitting outside the central library which was a bad idea because while that was an ideal place to people watch, not really conducive for mugging. The annoying thing was people having conversations like really near us. Um, like are you blind or just plain bo chap? WTH? Anyways, i figured out a way to get rid of them. You gotta stop what you're doing and listen intensively to what their saying; hell join in if it 's something you know about. Gets rid of them in a jiffy.

*sigh*

Then, I started thinking. Which is never a good thing.

Well, honey, i guess ghosts of our pasts never really go away do they? I wonder, all the time too. Those people who had fun at my expense, at that age, we don't really think before we act or say anything. We think its just harmless school fun, but it isn't. People tend to forget that Real feelings are involved and those words that they say to us, don't just disappear once we graduate or when the school bell rings. They stay with us for life.

I do wonder, if they'll ever know how much i was affected by them. How many tears I cried about them, the years of self loathing because of them. They moved on and are so happy, now. Why can't I seem to find that same happiness?

Sometimes, I look back and I can't figure out why. What did I do to deserve this? Was I really such a horrible bitch? And sometimes, I get this sick feeling in my stomach. Sometimes I see them around campus, and my stomach cramps up and i feel like throwing up. Sometimes, the very visual of them is enough to send me spiralling down that dark hole i promised myself i wouldn't end up yet keep visiting.

But then....

For fuck's sake, I am twenty fucking one. I am a fucking adult.

I can't let the little people bother me anymore. What doesn't destroy/kill me makes me only that much stronger/twisted. But, its me. All these horrible things that happenned and all the nasty little creatures I had to endure made me. I may be jaded or damaged, but I am also that much stronger and dammit, I am a fighter, all the way.

I don't care about them anymore and what people say about me. I have full faith in the one person that matters, me. I know who I am and I won't let anyone put me down. I am untouchable, they can't hurt me without me telling them they can.

I am divR. I look back and sometimes I feels sick. But, these life experiences are what makes us us. Can you imagine if they hadn't happenned? How would we have been? Would we really have been that much better? I know i won't be. I know I am equipped to handle anything because I have already handled the worse.

Okay, done thinking. Time to hit the books.

2008-04-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh a beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
oh and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe
in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
~Angel by Sarah Mclachlan

I just thought of this song recently. I feel hopeful suddenly and at peace with myself. I feel good.
Ready to face the exams. Ready to face anything. Ready for you, if you happen or not.

I am ready, now. Hear me roar.

2008-04-13T19:22:00.000-07:00

The below quote I took it from Rachel's blog who took it from her friend who took it from her friend.. Basically, it is not mine k, so don't sue me.

How totally unrealistic and tamil movie-ish.

Its official. I am a cynic.

2008-04-13T19:20:00.000-07:00

A girl quickly punches a number into her phone and waits until she hears the other line pick up.

"Becky, I don’t know what to do, I really don’t. I love him so much and I don’t think he thinks of me that way. I mean, whenever I see him or think of him, I can’t help it, this smile comes across my face. Sometimes he sees me smiling and smiles back. That’s when my knees turn to jello and I get butterflies in my stomach.

I know you think that he’s is so totally adorable and cute, but if you look past that and actually listen to what he has to say, you find a totally different person. He’s so caring and considerate and he makes me feel like I don’t deserve him. Well, actually, I don’t deserve him. He’s too perfect, I mean, look at all the girls that fall over for him. I could never be one of those. Their all so pretty and bubbly and….. not me. I couldn’t even start to compare myself to them. But whenever I think of him or see him, I can’t help it, I smile.

Now I didn’t tell you this but he called me the other day about homework. I tell you now, I made a complete fool of myself. I’m so embarrassed. I stuttered the whole time, but he was so sweet and just kept talking and making me feel better. He’s so perfect Becky, I don’t deserve him, so why do I keep wishing and praying that he will notice me, why?............Becky? Becky are you there?"

"This isn’t Becky.”

Petrified the girl asks, "Then who is this?"

"This is the guy who’s smile turns your knees to jello and I just wanted to say one thing. Everything you said just now, I’ve been wanting to say since the day I met you"

2008-04-10T23:32:00.000-07:00

Technically right now I am supposed to be doing my SC2101 Assignment but I need a break. So, here I am.

I can't believe how I have managed to procrastinate myself into total and utter hell. I mean, I have fucked up before (hello 2004?) but this is just insane. I am so behind, I spent majority of the time that I was working on my project banging my head for being so fuckin stupid. And lazy. And suicidal.

All this time, I wasted. Too obsessed with my 'feelings'. Silly shit huh.. Feelings are always gonna be there and i am always going to be going through some depression/suicidal/angst stage of my life. But, I only get my Sem 2 Year 1 once.

I am determined to make amends. I am determined to reach my goal cap of 4.0. I am determined to get bloody straight As.

I can do this. No, wait, I WILL do this.

Go, me!

2008-04-09T01:58:00.000-07:00

I was so pumped to watch Liverpool vs Arsenal part III. I was so excited, I couldn't sleep. Actually, I seriously considered pulling an all nighter because i was so excited and just couldn't wait.

It was a great match and I am glad that I watched it. It was clear from the get go that both sides were determined not to get another unfulfilling 1-1 draw. And they played damn well too. Quality chances, quality plays and by halftime the score was 1-1. Honestly, when Adebayor scored his goal, I thought it was the most fabulous goal ever, I was up on my feet, screaming in joy and dancing around my living room.

Then, the penalty. Objectively, I think it was a penalty. And there was a sinking feeling in my stomach. I actually thought I would honestly throw up. So, it was do or die now. And Arsenal took a gamble which blew up in our faces.

We should have won. And I will say this again. We should have advanced to the semi finals of the Champions League. We should still be at the top of the Premier League. The promising start of the season seems like ages ago now. I was so disappointed and upset. I had to console myself with a, "At least its better than last season..."

At this point, i am resigned to the fact that we are not gonna win anything, but I just want Arsenal to finish out the season strong. I dont' want them to give up the race and go through the motions. I want them to finish out with a bang.

2008-04-05T08:49:00.000-07:00

Just came back from watching Arsenal and Liverpool at East of Anfield at CHIJMES.

Bloody Fucking Hell.

I can't believe we drew again. The place was nice, food was ok, prices were killer and the crowd pretty quiet actually, oh yeah, and we drew. I think I really am upset, considering how well the season started out and now, to have lost hope like this. Sigh. I don't understand though, they were doing so well.

Just came to a realisation, Voronin is kinda hot. But, only cos he reminds me of HBK i think.. Still, we HAVE to win on Tues/Wed. We gotta make it past Liverpool for the Champions League at the very least. C'mon you Gunners!

2008-04-02T19:58:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe that I haven't given it yet and watched Wrestlemania 24. But, i am going to be a good girl and rent both the wrestlemania and Hall of Fame (if I can find it) dvds after exams and take my time with them. Still, I know the results...

I am really saddenned by Flair's retirement. I had tears in my eyes watching his Hall of Fame induction (the only thing i watched!) and i thought it was touching how he paid tribute to all the other guys he worked with and his family. Wrestlemania 24 is Flair.

As far as I know, he will still remain with the WWE (PR, i heard) but will never wrestle again. Its nice to hear that, really. I just hope he doesn't do a Hogan but then i think he won't cos he has much more sense than Hogan.

I am speechless but I think the mere mention of his name, Nature Boy Ric Flair says it all. He is The Man.

Woooo!

P.S. Try to find the video of Vince and Undertaker tribute after Raw right after Wrestlemania. A must watch video for all! But hurry, they're in the process of taking them down though!

2008-03-26T06:47:00.000-07:00

Okay this is kinda late... But a friend of mine pointed out something to me yesterday and maybe I should address this issue..

I have a habit of not rushing or drifting, as it has been named. I see absolutely no point in rushing or walking exceptionally fast when i am not in a rush and i do like to take my time and take a nice stroll sometimes. (Let me just add that I practice common courtesy and don't do this in narrow walkways and always make sure there is space for overtaking).

My friend pointed out to me that this would give society the idea that i was lazy, and hence I would be labelled as deviant, so I should try to walk faster for the sake of society.

Here is what i say back to society:

GO FUCK YOURSELVES! TAKE YOUR FUCKING DEVIANCY AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR FUCKING ASS, YOU SICK BASTARDS!

Um, right. You see, I have my own values and principles I adhere to and although I am aware of and do accept the fact that others may not see things the way I do, I will not conform just for the sake of conforming. I do things that make sense to me. Besides, I have tried listening to society before; Been there, Done that, Not my thing Thank you very much...

So, the moral of the story is... Um, actually I don't think there is one, except i am sooo over caring about what complete strangers think of me.

2008-03-16T07:26:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to start right now.

I had a really weird dream last night. I dreamt that Jeff was my neighbour and there was some important ceremony going on at my house. I knew he was in trouble and I was trying to help but i had turned my back on him and he wasn't having any of it. But I still fought through and I can't remember whether actually got to him or not cos i woke up....

And then I wake up and find out that Jeff's house has burned down. I have seen pictures of his house and to lose something that you have worked an entire lifetime on, all his statues, paintings and even the volcano (I am just speculating here, I hope its just the house and not the imagi-nation) must be devastating. And his dog. Oh my god, I was upset at losing Rohan, I couldn't imagine how I would feel at losing a dear pet of mine.

As I write this, I am crying.

I am so sorry. I didn't mean it, I was just so angry and disappointed. I look to you for my very existence, babe. I wouldn't be here without you.

A Ray Of Hope...
Material things can be bought,
A career and trust rebuilt.
You have my support and Love,
And so much more talent still.
I thank you for bringing me out of my darkness,
Now, I pray for you...
That you may find some inspiration, a muse somewhere,
Like how, chance, brought me to you...

We will never lose faith in you baby. Team Extreme.